my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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