he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
