No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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