I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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