i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
