whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
