My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
