You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
