I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
