I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
