Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
