how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
