now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
