The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
