Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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