remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
