I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
