this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
