He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
