Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
