You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
