Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
