I have demons in me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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