I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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