I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she peed on how many people?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
