this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
