grandma shit on top of the toilet
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
