I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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