I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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