dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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