Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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