when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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