Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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