My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
