Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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