She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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