Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hippo gnu deer
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
