my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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