We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
