my sisters under your porch take her home
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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