Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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