Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
