WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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