on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
