She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
