What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
