Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
