Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
