i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
