I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
