At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
