i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
