allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
