I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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