I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
