there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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